One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. The apprentice did just as he was told. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. ", "Well I'm sure everybody here already knows about Murphy's Lawbut you guysprobablydon't know about Cole's law, am I right? Here are the fascinating origins of classic jokes. My Uncle G: Youre going to pay $500 to jump out of a perfectly good plane? What other woman? Adam shot back. you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. If you have ever been offended by someone with nothing but a gaping mouth and a figurative puff of smoke as a response, you know how tragic a lack of a comeback can feel. Now what do you want? the woman asks. Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. When I was five years old, I looked down at the crayons I was colouring with and sighed: When I was two, this was not what I saw myself doing at five. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when hes done, poof, the light goes off?, Oh, no, exclaims Bonnie. What's a cat's favorite dessert? However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. Hold it in. Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be, How to Talk to Your White Male Partner About Race, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. (Consider yourself warned! Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? We have the best football jokes kids would love. Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. I really thought you already knew. [Read: 45 Saddest lost love quotes for the broken-hearted], 41. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes! Press J to jump to the feed. Months? Reproduction without explicit permission is prohibited. 80. Mom: Avocado, After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. ._38lwnrIpIyqxDfAF1iwhcV{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);border:none;height:1px;margin:16px 0}._37coyt0h8ryIQubA7RHmUc{margin-top:12px;padding-top:12px}._2XJvPvYIEYtcS4ORsDXwa3,._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:54px;width:54px;font-size:54px;line-height:54px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px;background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:36px;width:36px}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn{margin:auto 0 auto auto;padding-top:10px;vertical-align:middle}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn ._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp i{color:unset}._2bWoGvMqVhMWwhp4Pgt4LP{margin:16px 0;font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px}.icon.tWeTbHFf02PguTEonwJD0{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:top}._2AbGMsrZJPHrLm9e-oyW1E{width:180px;text-align:center}.icon._1cB7-TWJtfCxXAqqeyVb2q{cursor:pointer;margin-left:6px;height:14px;fill:#dadada;font-size:12px;vertical-align:middle}.hpxKmfWP2ZiwdKaWpefMn{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active);background-size:cover;background-image:var(--newCommunityTheme-banner-backgroundImage);background-position-y:center;background-position-x:center;background-repeat:no-repeat;border-radius:3px 3px 0 0;height:34px;margin:-12px -12px 10px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-bottom:8px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6>*{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle}.t9oUK2WY0d28lhLAh3N5q{margin-top:-23px}._2KqgQ5WzoQRJqjjoznu22o{display:inline-block;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;position:relative}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE{-ms-flex:1 1 auto;flex:1 1 auto;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE:hover{text-decoration:underline}._19bCWnxeTjqzBElWZfIlJb{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;display:inline-block}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8{margin-left:10px;margin-top:30px}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8._35WVFxUni5zeFkPk7O4iiB{margin-top:35px}._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp{padding:0 2px 0 4px;vertical-align:middle}._2BY2-wxSbNFYqAy98jWyTC{margin-top:10px}._3sGbDVmLJd_8OV8Kfl7dVv{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;margin-top:8px;word-wrap:break-word}._1qiHDKK74j6hUNxM0p9ZIp{margin-top:12px}.Jy6FIGP1NvWbVjQZN7FHA,._326PJFFRv8chYfOlaEYmGt,._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj,._1cDoUuVvel5B1n5wa3K507{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;margin-top:12px;width:100%}._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj{margin-bottom:8px}._2_w8DCFR-DCxgxlP1SGNq5{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:middle}._1aS-wQ7rpbcxKT0d5kjrbh{border-radius:4px;display:inline-block;padding:4px}._2cn386lOe1A_DTmBUA-qSM{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:10px}._2Zdkj7cQEO3zSGHGK2XnZv{display:inline-block}.wzFxUZxKK8HkWiEhs0tyE{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);cursor:pointer;text-align:left;margin-top:2px}._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0{display:none}.yobE-ux_T1smVDcFMMKFv{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._1vPW2g721nsu89X6ojahiX{margin-top:12px}._pTJqhLm_UAXS5SZtLPKd{text-transform:none} Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! Hes in the village over the other direction.. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. He really is your son! Detector: Beep.. Unfortunately, by that point, the opportunity is long gone. As my mate's best man, I tried to set up a brewery visit for his stag weekend. It says, Do not feed. Men are like Blackberries. Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. These hilarious golf jokes are better than a hole in one. r/AskReddit is the place to ask and answer thought-provoking questions. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. Funny Husband Wife Joke Gift - 11 OZ Coffee Mug. They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. A: Get off the carousel. Years back, a group of hunters from the United States came up to shoot some birds. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien make jokes at Megyn Kelly's expense Im following the one who called me miss. The Hello, maam one should take note. @anniemumary. I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because Im still looking for ideas., 8. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. The son comes home in the afternoon. She sells seashells on the seashore. Milton Jones. When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, Where do you get your mussels? The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, Cross-training?Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: Whats Edith Piafs favourite airline? Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? Our doctors office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. Kid 1: "I don't have a sister.". That's why we've rounded up that set of (clean) jokes for adults and kids alike that will have the whole family laughing. 15. Don't be the person to initiate that. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. He shouts to her, Hey, why are you crossing the road? The chicken replies, To change the light bulb in the henhouse. Can you change it by yourself, or will you need help? Submitted by Hoss Alfred. Whats the matter? the psychiatrist asked. Submitted by Stephanie Finlayson. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. We recommend our users to update the browser. If youre going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe, 38. ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{background-color:#fff;box-shadow:0 0 0 1px rgba(0,0,0,.1),0 2px 3px 0 rgba(0,0,0,.2);transition:left .15s linear;border-radius:57%;width:57%}._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS:after{content:"";padding-top:100%;display:block}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:start;justify-content:flex-start;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-navIconFaded10);border:2px solid transparent;border-radius:100px;cursor:pointer;position:relative;width:35px;transition:border-color .15s linear,background-color .15s linear}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-navIconFaded10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3kUvbpMbR21zJBboDdBH7D._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-buttonAlpha10)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq{border-width:2.25px;height:24px;width:37.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1asGWL2_XadHoBuUlNArOq ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:19.5px;width:19.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3{border-width:3px;height:32px;width:50px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1hku5xiXsbqzLmszstPyR3 ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:26px;width:26px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD{border-width:3.75px;height:40px;width:62.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._10hZCcuqkss2sf5UbBMCSD ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:32.5px;width:32.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO{border-width:4.5px;height:48px;width:75px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1fCdbQCDv6tiX242k80-LO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:39px;width:39px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO{border-width:5.25px;height:56px;width:87.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._2Jp5Pv4tgpAsTcnUzTsXgO ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{height:45.5px;width:45.5px}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI{-ms-flex-pack:end;justify-content:flex-end;background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active)}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{cursor:default}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z ._2FKpII1jz0h6xCAw1kQAvS{box-shadow:none}._2e2g485kpErHhJQUiyvvC2._1L5kUnhRYhUJ4TkMbOTKkI._3clF3xRMqSWmoBQpXv8U5z{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-buttonAlpha10)} ._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{width:100%}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF,._2ik4YxCeEmPotQkDrf9tT5{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}._1DR1r7cWVoK2RVj_pKKyPF{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;max-width:100%}._1CVe5UNoFFPNZQdcj1E7qb{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:4px}._2UOVKq8AASb4UjcU1wrCil{height:28px;width:28px;margin-top:6px}.FB0XngPKpgt3Ui354TbYQ{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:start;align-items:flex-start;-ms-flex-direction:column;flex-direction:column;margin-left:8px;min-width:0}._3tIyrJzJQoNhuwDSYG5PGy{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%}.TIveY2GD5UQpMI7hBO69I{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;color:var(--newRedditTheme-titleText);white-space:nowrap;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}.e9ybGKB-qvCqbOOAHfFpF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;max-width:100%;margin-top:2px}.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5.y3jF8D--GYQUXbjpSOL5{font-weight:400;box-sizing:border-box}._28u73JpPTG4y_Vu5Qute7n{margin-left:4px} I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Who could think of safe, new football jokes? We missed the R!, Father! cries the young monk. Today isnt your day. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? Have trouble making it to the punchline? Reddit.com. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party. Jennifer Wright, author, I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. This is my first day driving a cab. Im doing great! Think about it, the professor answered. Student: A drinking problem. I never knew my real ladder. Here are the funniest court cases of all time! Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. Both as a joke, but also because she was peeved, Alyshah then moved . As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. Here, boy, he replies. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. We went back to her place and made passionate love for hours., The priest pauses. Dont miss this roundup of Alex Trebeks most memorable Jeopardy! One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. Tatiana Ayazo /Rd.com, shutterstock. Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Couldn't organise a blow-job in a brothel. ._3oeM4kc-2-4z-A0RTQLg0I{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between} Thesecheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde, 42. She looks great! A bowl full of mice-cream. [Read: Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in]. BBLTHRW. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Ever wondered how why did the chicken cross the road became a thing? 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Tomac. I think my friend is dead! he yells. How did you do it? he asked. By having the last say, youre leaving them dumbfounded and not sure what to say in response. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? Bless me father, for I have sinned, he says. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. A carrot. A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best. I love this saying: An intimate relationship is improved by the two or three things we dont say each day. I had only that single dollar, and I had to make a decision: Give it to his worthy cause or keep it. The boy screams. Aha! Jokes > Funny Insults > You're stupid 15 Nurse: When? Well get ready, because Im about to be gorgeous., 27. Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the cars indicators are working. Dont miss these bad jokes you cant help but laugh at. I was involved in very organised crime. Milton Jones, I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper dicing with death. Tim Vine. The first one says, Weeoouhh. The next whale says, Shut up, Steve. I turned to a man who had been waiting alongside me the whole time and said, Sir, how long have you been waiting?, He looked at his watch and said, Since last year. Misir Doobay, Toronto. What did the baby corn say to its mom? Whether its the swift one-liners of Tim Vine or Milton Jones, or a more traditionally structured joke, these quick-fire quips will have your friends rolling around on the floor. Love is grand, until it isnt. What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. You never know when you might kneed these jokes. If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. Look officer, Im not being a smartass. It doesnt have to be Pi Day (March 14) to bring out thesefunny math jokes! He bit himself. You do you! I was always told it was piss in the boot. No joke. Ive spent the week with seven beautiful women. Do not fret, my son, says the priest. Selling doors, door-to-door. Bill Bailey. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. We can hold ourselves accountable with self-compassion, and our partners can let us know about their hurt while remembering that we are imperfect and lovable. Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. These funny animal pictures are sure to crack you up! 72. He was a great vet. I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nick Helm. Between you and me, something smells. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! Ten what? They were having an ongoing conversation on Snapchat when he stopped responding last week. A nervous wreck. Start in England and drive west. Oops.Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? They make up everything. Want more of the best Readers Digest jokes of all time? For the past 25 years, I drove a hearse.Submitted by Janeth Murphy, Recently, a man walked into my barbershop and asked how much for a haircut. A football coach. Mom: Where buy chicken Daughter: Mom, this isnt Google. Your mileage may vary. The odds of getting mugged once are 1 in 50. Well, theyre not laughing now. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. . 52. All of these build a cushion of positivity, warmth, and trust between partners. Submitted by Joni Krats, Working in a library, one of the tasks we have to do twice a week is call patrons about their overdue items. Two whales walk into a bar. I cant stand this. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said Analogue? I said No, just a watch. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Five, six, maybe seven times. What can I do?, The operator says, Calm down. ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. Honey, whats for supper?. 3.. You dont want to be that person who could literally write a book about what you wish you would have said. A gnome, comes the reply. A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. Theseclever jokescould make anyone sound smart! How ironic that teasing is something that can both enhance connection and sever it. And for a shave? Five dollars. All right, he said, settling into the barber chair. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. One in 1. Couldn't run a chook raffle. He must pay for his mistake. 73. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? Corny Dad Jokes We're Embarrassed to Admit Made Us Laugh, 30 Nerd Jokes for People Who Embrace Their Inner Smarty-Pants, These Funny Math Jokes Truly Have No Equal, 20 Smart and Funny Examples of the Nerd Meme, 25 Parents Who Expertly Trolled Their Kids, You Won't Believe These Hilarious Tinder Pickup Lines Actually Worked, The 15 Funniest Harry Potter "Yo Mama" Jokes, 18 Super Funny and Creative Business Cards, Best Anti-Gun Jokes and One-Liners About Gun Control. Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. Need the laughs to come fast? I used to be addicted to soap, but Im clean now. Why does my brother always attack my knees playfully? Nasty ex sniffing around? You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. "What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland? He said, I want you to trace someone for me. Making this distinction can help us make amends. Dont go through life unprepared! Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. A: Lavion rose. From the greats to the random internet memes, this was a list of the best smartass quotes for life, ex-loves, and general sassiness. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} Do you think I look like them? He shook his head. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. Submitted by Denise Stewart. I would love to insult you, but I wouldnt do as well as nature did, 50. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm, he complained. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. Im in your driveway., 47. Ill ask your sister. !, The second boy says, Well, I sure dont want the @#$%^& pancakes!, An old man goes to confession. Breathe! ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. @dadsaysjokes, If I were Maria in The Sound of Music and I heard them sing How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria at my wedding, I would be like, Why are you singing that mean song about me, and why do all of you know it? There you have it. A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, Brown bears are usually harmless. @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} Daddy! And how long has it been since your last confession?, I was playing chess with my friend and he said, Lets make this interesting. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen, A man comes to Mrs. Smiths door and says, Theres been an accident at the brewery. 17. The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". [Read: 60 creative insults to intellectually insult someone with sarcasm and leave everyone around laughing]. That water is yucky!, He replied, Well, it tasted good yesterday. Tammy McKenzie, High River, Alberta, While cleaning out the garage, I found an old protest sign that read, DISARM TODAY! On the other side, it said, DAT ARM TOMORROW.Submitted by Jim Vandermaas, You know, people dont usually compliment me on my driving, so I was very pleased this morning when I saw a note on my car that said, Parking fine. That was very nice of them! These jokes are a fantastic selection of humorous jokes about football that are clean and entertaining. Ill call you back when youre alone. Jim Pietsch in The New York City Cab Drivers Joke Book, If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die. @hodgesboi15, Have children while your parents are young enough to take care of them. Rita Rudner, A mom texts, Hi! !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. Being broken up with. The person on the other side of the intercom replied, Pardon me? so I repeated myself. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes If youre looking for a sassier way to go through life, these smartass quotes with advice are sure to help. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. Submitted byLucinda Rajaselvan, The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. Now were going to have to pee in the boat.. Kid 2: "You will in about nine months.". Jokes. Im not allowed on the couch., Two salespeople approached me at the furniture store. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. Now, sure. The best of thymes, the worst of thymes. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. Check out the funniest comedies on Netflix Canada right now. Here are a few pieces of advice to help you hit the right note when firing off your favorite quote. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. I choose round. Sarah Millican, My wife its difficult to say what she does. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. A receding hare-line. BEWARE OF DOG! He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. They got six months each. Alex Del Bene. Marie Faustin, comedian. Submitted by Joyce Tenhage, A friend who had just turned 50, and couldnt quite deal with that fact, was wearing a T-shirt that said, Im not 50!